You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
