Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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