You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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