Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
