all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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