Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
