When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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