She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
