How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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