My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
