did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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