My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
