if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
