You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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