you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Help me help you realize you are a moron
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
