I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
