k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
