Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
