**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
