i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
