i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
