insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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