Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Randomize
