You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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