if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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