She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
