not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
