he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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