I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
