It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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