he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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