A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
