Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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