I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
