Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
