where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
