The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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