I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
