He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
