Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
