He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
