At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
