New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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