I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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