Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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