I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
