All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
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You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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