Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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