When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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