Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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