Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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