Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
