I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
