Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
love makes seman taste better
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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