I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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