I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
