I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
